Maybe It's a Nervous Breakdown

Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown? I'm almost positive that I had it penciled in for many years from now. But it feels like things are all topsy turvey. So maybe it's happening now..

I've been here for over 5 years. I enjoy it here. It's not the South. It never will be. And there are parts of the South that I miss very much. But there are also things here that I like better than the South. So all in all, I thought I had reached a place that I felt settled and content.

Why all of the sudden do I feel as though that I don't fit anywhere? What's going on that has me so rattled?

Maybe it comes down to the fact that I wanted to do this marathon with someone, with a buddy, to experience the training and the race with a friend and not alone. Maybe the reality is finally hitting me that it was never really real. I didn't have a best friend running partner that I met to run with. I had someone who met me to run occasionally, but it wasn't what I had when I was in MS. I was grasping for something that wasn't.

See in MS, I met my best friend most mornings (usually super early before her kids went to school) to run. It wasn't a run about distance, or time. It was two friends out enjoying time with each other while running. And out of that running a friendship began.

I think I wanted that and know that I still don't have it. Maybe I was trying to recreate something that wasn't and the reality is finally hitting me full force that wow, I'm alone. I have my husband and my son, but when it comes to friendship, I think I'm alone.

Hmm... maybe it's not a nervous breakdown after all. Maybe it's finally facing the reality that I didn't want to face.

But I'll face it. I'll cry. I'll ask Hubby for the millionth time "Why don't people like me?". He'll do the best he can do to ease my pain. Then pat me on the head. (not sure why he thinks that's comforting). And I'll pick myself up.

I'll focus on what I do have. And in time, I'll realize that I'm stronger than how I feel at the moment.