It's always this time of the year that I struggle. You'd think that year after year that I wouldn't be surprised that I'm struggling. I mean EVERY year this time of the year it happens. So you think this year that it wouldn't come as a surprise.There are some family dynamics that I refuse to openly discuss. But it is a heartache that I feel on a daily basis. Say what you want, say what you will, but not a day goes by that I don't have to deal with the struggle inside. And with the holidays it seems to bring it all to the surface.
My son will never meet these people. They are not a part of his life, and the reality is they never will be. And it is a heartache that I deal with on a daily basis. It is the feeling of rejection - not wanted - not loved. And most days I handle it well. But then there are some days that heartache erupts over into my daily life.
And it's the little things that set it off - someone blocking me on Facebook - the feeling of not being a part of certain group. It's the little things that bring the major issues to the surface. I'm old enough to realize that an insignificant person blocking me on Facebook is not what is upsetting me. It's the underlying issue of the rejection in other areas. It's being written off when you're still alive. But I'm not gonna play the martyr, and lay down and be the open poor pitiful me. I only share this to show that sometimes what you think is bothering you is not what is really bothering you. So sometimes I have to step back, and rethink, reflect, and self examine to see what is the real issue.
But here I am in this place, and I feel the struggle again. So I ask myself what am I going to do different this year? What am I going to do to keep from going down that spiral of darkness and struggle?
I am responsible for me and my actions. I am responsible for my reactions. I am responsible for my thoughts, and my thought pattern, and what I allow myself to dwell on.
This year I:
I'm sure there will be several more steps, but this is a start.
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This year I:
- will be focusing on those who love me and want me in their life, instead of those who don't.
- will be thinking of others instead of myself.
- will be present.
I'm sure there will be several more steps, but this is a start.
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That sounds like a good start. Sometimes you just can't control what other people do, so you have to look out for yourself and your own family.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of people I chose to cut out of my life because they are just not good for me to know and yes some are blood related. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you HAVE to deal with them, they are just people. Be around the ones that love and want you and enjoy your life - otherwise you are letting the other people have control over you and you are missing out on fun and life with the ones that care!
ReplyDeleteYou are being authentic, and that is an important step in the healing process. There are definitely pains that don't just go away. They stick with us and resurface. God bless!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a start. You can look out for yourself and your son, but you can't control other people and their thoughts or actions.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are off to a good start. You have to do what is best for you and your son.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel where you're coming from. I don't speak to either of my parents, and this time of year is always the hardest. It's tough, but I'd rather be away from them than deal with their toxic garbage. Hang in there and know there are others out there that know exactly how you feel. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteUgh, the holidays are rough. I feel your pain, and I'm glad you're working through it.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear! Sounds like you have great plans to refocus!
ReplyDeleteThat is a really good start for sure. The first one is the most important. Focus on those that are present and are positive. That will bring positive feelings to your life.
ReplyDeleteMost times reactions are so much more important than actions and how we react sets the tone for everything else.
That is a very good start for you! Focus on you & those that are there for you. Those are the people who matter :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your focused on you and your own family now. That's what matters. I am in similar situation my daughter will never meet some people in my family and you know what I'm ok with that because the heartbreak is mine to bear and there comes a point when we learn who toxic people are and we are wise to stay healthy to stay away from those toxic people. Sending healing love your way and hopes you find comfort that at least you are not alone in dealing with estranged family members. Best wishes to you and yours. The holidays seem to always bring about a time of pain.
ReplyDeleteBe responsible for the energy you bring into others spaces. Can't remember where that comes from but it's a place to start. Don't worry about others, worry about yourself. Worry about you and yours, not people outside of that. It's actaully not easy to do for some but the fact that you are trying is a huge thing, so best of luck
ReplyDeleteSeasonal depression is real - many people don't realize how pressure, the change of seasons, etc can affect people.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the holidays don't hold just happiness for you. I have read that it's common for this time of year to wreak havoc on emotions. Wishing you well, and hoping you find your way to a ton of joy for all the rest of this year!
ReplyDeleteThose are some great goals to be focused on for the next year. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling well. My son is classically autistic and they just don't get it so last year I had to cut a lot of important people from my life because they just couldn't get with the fact that things had to be done HIS way. It was hard, but they wouldn't bend so I had to burn a LOT of bridges.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your struggles, especially this time of the year that should be a joyous time. I know it's hard. I have learned to just focus on myself and my children because I cannot control the actions of others. I will be praying for you
ReplyDeleteYou are doing what is right for you and your son and I applaud you for that, I am in the same boat and couldn't be happier.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you are going through something like this. I wish everyone could be blessed with a wonderful family that was close-knit so that no one ever have to feel unwanted or unloved. In a perfect world...
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you feel. I go through my own inner struggle this time of year and it's hard, but we have to keep on going!
ReplyDeleteAnd you're off to a great start I should say. Just stay focused and everything will fall into place.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard time of year for so many people. Amber N
ReplyDeleteI love the things you have mentioned here - indeed - there is no one to blame - we are responsible to whatever we do, how things do end up - it all lies within us.
ReplyDelete