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Enough Enough Enough Guilt Already!

Enough is enough is enough is enough - what am I ranting about? Guilt over 'failed' runs, missed runs, or just running in general. No one is holding a gun to my head and saying - run or else?!? My life, my career, nothing in my life depends or hinges upon my running. For pete's sake, it used to be for FUN!

So why in the world have I allowed myself to get to this point? I have felt substantial guilt for missing today's long run. I feel the need to disclose that I missed my run, then some type of justification is needed (I am super tired, sore, not motivated to do it, and have slept most of the afternoon). But after seeing a post today on someone's social media, I realized that my personal feeling about missed runs, failed runs or just working out in general needs to stop - and it needs to stop now.

If you've been following my blog, or know me in personal life, then you know that I am a goal oriented person. There is nothing wrong with that, and I enjoy setting and reaching for goals. And I will continue to do so. But when running turns to work and guilt then I have seriously messed up somewhere along the way.

With feeling so burn out (Too Much Training, Too Little Fun) I changed my training up a little. I ran a 5K last weekend (because it was a good cause and I liked the t-shirt). I had a blast. I ran just to run. I knew I was running too fast. I knew I couldn't sustain the pace. I knew the hills were coming, but I didn't care and I ran anyway. I did walk on the big hill. I did let my 'lead' slip over a guy who was neck in neck. But I finished with my 2nd best time. I finished 1st in my age group, but more importantly, I finished smiling. And I congratulated those who came in before me. And it was FUN. That was the first time that running had truly been fun since... well... since before I trained for the marathon when it was all training.

I talked with my trainer and she adjusted my plan to where I ran shorter faster runs last week. And well, I loved it. It was tough. I'm still sore in lots of places, but I enjoyed running 5 miles at a faster pace than running 6+ miles slower. I also added in a spin class which I plan to continue to do, along with strength training. Anyway, today was supposed to be 10 miles, then 8 miles because I missed yesterday's run. I was busy with the family. We went and saw Thomas the train, and I didn't have the time, nor did I want to carve out an hour of our day so that I could get my run in.

I intended on running in Dauphin today and getting my miles in. But you know, I woke up tired. I woke up just not really wanting to do it, and I didn't. And because of that decision at 8am, I have dealt with guilt ALL DAY LONG. It's 3:30pm and I was still trying to justify it to myself, and figure out how I am going to re-arrange everything next week to fix today's mess up.

That's right, because it felt like I had messed up. And that is utterly ridiculous. And yes I know that it is me who is putting this pressure on me, no one else. Yes, I had hoped to PR in a Half this year, then somehow I got on the band wagon for a Marathon which changed everything, then bowed out of that (SO THANKFUL I DID) to a Half. But as things progress, I considered today if I will even do the Half. But then I slapped myself and told myself to get real and get a grip. Yes, I'm going to do the Half. Yeah, I know, the PR is probably slipping away with my lack of running. But, well, maybe that's just what's supposed to happen. Maybe the Half will be like the 5K, and I can run it just to run. Run like a bat outta hell when I want, walk when I want, talk to people, not talk to people, but just run for the pure joy of running.

Wow, now that's a great idea isn't it? Maybe it's time that I truly just ran because I like to run... not because I have this huge goal to obtain and a piece of paper is telling me that today I need, must, or I will fail if I don't, run 10 miles.


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