The One Standing Outside The Conversation

I'm not going to lie, Friday I pretty much had a meltdown. The day began with having to register my son for preschool. Registration was at 8:45am, but I had been told that if I wanted to get him into class that I needed to be there ridiculously early, and I mean ridiculously early. I got there at 6:30am and I was already number 16. But as I sat there alone in my cold car, I couldn't help but feel the crushing feeling of just how alone (other than my husband and son) that I am here. I've tried hard to make friends, but I seem to always feel as though I'm the one standing outside the conversation, if that makes sense.

I do have my small circle of running friends that I connect with for running/fitness. Although I've been injured so that's left me a little out of the loop, although they have tried their best to keep me connected. Hopefully now that I am recovering, I will be joining them again for some runs.

But, without going into too much detail. Friday left me emotionally drained more so in a way than I care to admit. And after a facebook post that I probably shouldn't have posted, people somewhat got the impression that I was feeling 'left out' by not being one of the 'popular' people or the 'in crowd'. Ummm... no that wasn't the case. When one looks around and realizes that they could disappear in that very moment, vanish in the middle of the crowd and no one would take notice, the reality of just how invisible you really are, well the reality was too much. I have never desired to be included into large groups of people. I would be content with a few or even one very close 'Mom' friend that our children could play together, and we could connect and spend some quality time together. What would be even more awesome would be if our families got together occasionally for a get-together or outing.

But I've found myself, say if there were 3 ladies (myself included), over time those 3 became 2 (one of those two not being me). And my confidence in who I am is being shaken. And all of that just came crashing down on me Friday. I suppose sitting alone in my car for a couple of hours was sort of just the last pebble that brought it all down.

But today is another day. Hubby realized that I need a little 'me' time. So I went out for a 4 Mile run, then a little shopping trip to Target without Lil Man bouncing along. I needed just a little time to breathe. And for that I am thankful.

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